Adamaris I will always love and remember you! Part 1

In honor of a sweet and precious angel named Adamaris Camila Niño.

 It was 4 weeks before my due date with Adamaris and I was already starting to get that anxious feeling and excitement. We were starting to get her clothes ready, I was folding and hanging it in the dresser thinking we need another dresser. Her and Antoni were going to share bedrooms for a while since they are both babies. I started looking at the newborn clothes and figuring out her go home outfit, getting out socks, tiny little mittens that can fit a doll, and a blanket or two. I had all three outfits all different sizes, I did not know how big she would be on delivery day.

Three weeks before due date, this was a Wednesday, I go see my wonderful Doctor,  my sister comes with me to help me with Antoni. I go to the back to get checked Dr. listens to the heartbeat all is well normal, she also tells me I am dilated at a 3. Me: Yay, this is great I am so excited! She tells me that I pretty much can have her at any moment. I go back to the waiting room and call Ray and tell him the news, we are both so excited. We come back home and I am just really trying to get everything ready to go, because we still have so much to do. We take out the bassinet, I start cleaning it, take out the new blankets and start washing them. I even found a small shirt that was mine when I was a baby, and took it out for her to wear. Baby bassinet is ready to go!

Sunday November 8th, after Ray and I get back home from church, I tell him: Ray I feel weird, more anxious than usual, something just doesn't seem right. I sit down and tell him, I don't know if I feel her moving. I mean I am having contractions but I don't know. We then just think it is probably nothing. At this point I was getting some sharp contractions. Monday goes by and I am going about my day, just trying to get things ready, Monday night I cant sleep like at all, I keep getting that uneasy feeling, I take a shower while everyone is still sleeping on Tuesday Nov. 10 morning around 4 a.m. I keep getting the contractions but they are not close enough, I tell Ray "I think it is time." He tells me call the doctor, so I call her she asks: Do you feel the baby moving?" My response: "honestly I don't know, I am getting contractions, but I don't think I have felt movement." She then tells me to come in so they can check me out.
We are on our way to the hospital, the whole time driving there I start feeling this awful feeling in my heart and just hoping everything is fine. My mind keeps going back to when I had my miscarriage. However still hoping that I am just being a negative person and that everything is fine. We go to emergency and check in, they take me to the back. They have me put on the wonderful hospital gown, I lay down wait for the nurse to come back, she brings in the equipment to check for the heart beat. She is checking around and around, I feel it coming tears and anguish and a sinking in my stomach. She says "baby I am going to get another nurse to come and check, these things sometimes are tricky." I look at Ray and don't say a word. The other nurse comes in and she tells me. Ok sweetie why don't you turn to the side for me, she is checking turn the other way....nothing, they then call one of the Doctors in, she brings out the ultrasound machine. She starts looking around and I am looking at the screen in hopes that Adamaris is just to far down or something. Finally the Doctor says "Sweetie I am not finding a heart beat" I don't even know what really happened right after except that I cried the hardest and loudest I have ever cried. I looked at Ray as he walked towards me and just remember telling him sorry, I did not want to let go of him.

November 10th was the day I went into labor to deliver my stillborn Adamaris. I went through a normal delivery except with the fact that I was not going to be able to take my baby back home with me. I was not going to ever hear her cry, feed her, give her baths, sing to her or rock her. My son was not going to be able to touch her little hands or her face, like he does with other babies and point and say baby. I wouldn't be able to see my husband taking care of her, or giving her the love I know he feels for her. They gave us the option of seeing her or not after delivery, we decided we did want to see her. They handed her to me, her eyes were open. It was like if I was looking into an empty being, nothing there. Her tiny little nose and mouth. She looked so much like her older brother. I couldn't look at her anymore, I gave her to my husband, all I see are the tears running down his cheeks, all my family is there. (During this whole time we are continuously praying, we are a family that believes in the power of prayer, and that healing comes from our Father.) Everything is just a blur to me. All I know is that I just kept looking straight ahead. I kept fixating on an object, I felt nauseous. I then asked Ray to hand Adamaris to me again. I hugged her as much as I possibly could so I wouldn't crush her, she was so fragile. I kissed her and just talked to her for a little bit. I saw her hands such long fingers, she had a whole lot of hair. She was just the sweetest little angel. Later that day they took her away to let me get some rest. I remember falling asleep finally and then woke up in a shock and in a panic. I was crying uncontrollably, Ray woke up and tried to console me, it hurt so bad the pain of losing my daughter was just not right. It did not make any sense. I should be waking up to feed her, not to realize that I am never going to have her. During that time the nurse came in to check on me, and saw that I was crying. She asked me if I wanted some of the anxiety medicine, and I told her that it was fine. She left , and in the time lapse while she was gone I started drifting back to sleep and had another dream. Everything was blue and it was going in a circular motion, then in that blue, a black image started forming while it was spinning like a wheel, it was the silhouette of Jesus carrying Adamaris, He was smiling and so was she. He hugged her and was spinning with her. They both were very happy, I could almost even hear a slight giggle, nothing big but a tiny little chuckle.
That dream brought me some sort of peace, knowing that my baby girl is in heaven is a good feeling because I know she is safe, happy and receiving all the love she could ever have.

November 11th coming back to an empty home and empty arms. When I got back home that day all of Adamaris things were gone. I know my sisters and mom did everything possible to take it all out, so I would not feel more pain than what I already was feeling. The bassinet was gone, all her little clothes were gone. Everything except I found the one little shirt that used to be mine. I laid the shirt on the table next to my bed, and I just remember trying to get rest. Everyone was coming into town for the funeral we were going to be having on Saturday.  My home was anything but silent, yet I don't really recall any of the conversations or what was going on around me. I can't remember much from that day or the following day, just crying myself to sleep, and waking up to tears.

Part 2: The funeral
Part 3: Aftermath of our loss.

Adamaris Nino 6lbs.1oz. 21 inches 3:30p.m.
November 10, 2015- November 10, 2015
You will always be my lovely little angel. Mommy, daddy and brother will always love you!