The Aftermath Part 3

Aftermath:

How to go on after you have lost your child:

This I definitely have no right answer for. Everyone grieves differently, and it has only been an approximate of 4 weeks. I am really taking this whole thing day by day, even times where it is hour by hour. I have pretty much cried myself to sleep every nighy, never thought that one could cry so much continously. There have been days where I just don't know what to do, almost because life does not make sense right now. I mean I should be waking up to feed my daughter, to only find an empty room with my husband and I. The place where the bassinet should have been is empty. It is a very strange place to be in. There are days that seem cloudy they seem so surreal. Each day is passing by and I don't feel it. The best way I could describe it is I am sitting still and everything around me is moving super fast. Then there are good day's where I have not thought too much about her during the day, and I can enjoy my family. Then the bad days, where I feel angry and betrayed. I mean the smallest of things have set me off. Where I then feel so utterly terrible and guilty.

This was nobody's fault, which makes it difficult because you want to blame someone for it.

Ray and I went to my postpartum Dr. Appointment earlier this week and she was able to give us the results of the lab work. Adamaris was a healthy baby, nothing was wrong with her. What was wrong was the way the umbilical cord was inserted and formed, it was a weak umbilical cord in my lamen terms. She had already been dead for 2 to 3 days before I even came into the hospital to deliver. It is the strangest thing to think that I carried around a dead baby for a few day's and had no idea of it. There was nothing anyone could have done, the cord just snapped in half, cutting off her oxygen, her way of life.

Dr. then says that if we get pregnant again it will be a high risk pregnancy, meaning they will monitor me more and they will induce labor themselves.

It was nice to get some answers. During this time what honestly keeps me going is God. Everyday I ask Him for the strength for not only me but my family as well. That in the midst of all of this, I can still bring praise and honor to Him. That He can show me how to be a good wife after all of this, how to be a good mother, how to move, act, and just love and guide me. It is so easy to want to blame God for this, but I know He did not do it, He let it happen. Why is the question I always want to ask, but I try my best to ask Him for what purpose? Everytime I pray I get this feeling that He is telling me so people will come to know me, so that others can come back to Him. Also to save my daughter from this world, I don't know the future, but thats just it God does and He is probably saving her from something that could have happened to her. Also protecting us from a greater pain that we would not be able to bare. God never gives or lets us go through a battle we will not be able to overcome. See in all this time we are still standing, I could pretty much say, something like this could make people do crazy things. However God is keeping us in His arms. He has shown us mercy and love, my dream or desire is that He could appear to my husband and I at the same time and give us some words that will bring us comfort and understanding of all this situation. He does things in mysterious ways so if He does not want to I underatand. He does things that we will benefit from. He does not want to see us in pain, but He does want to see our faith to Him. I mean that is the rhyme and reason of my existence is to serve Him. He did not just put us here to live life and do whatever we please, even though we do. Yet Jesus is merciful with us. He created us so we could serve Him, praise, and exhualt Him. For us to go bring others the light of His existence. He does not want anyone to get lost.

This wound is going to take time to heal, there is a process to all of this. I don't know how long it will take, let me just say this Holiday season is specially hard for me. However I and my family are going to make it through. There is a song by Marvin Sapp that has helped me a lot it is called my testimony. Strong song for me and I don't even know how many times I have played it, but it has helped.

I want you all to know God is sovereign, just, and faithful, His love is greater than words and He is also preparing us for that great party in Heaven. Please do not take his love and mercy for granted, embrace and seek Him, for there is no greater joy than the one to know you will be saved and have an eternal life. The things of this world will come to an end and what will be left is your soul. All I know is I have one more thing to look forward to when my time has come to an end, to meet our sweet Adamaris Camila Nino
An Ironic thing, which I am pretty sure was not a coincidence the name Camila means the one who is in front of God.
My husband picked that name, and it has come true.

Scripture Passages that have helped me:

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Luke 23:29New International Version (NIV)

29 For the time will come when you will say, ‘Blessed are the childless women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’

Psalm 139:13-16New International Version (NIV)

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

Ecclesiastes 6New International Version (NIV)

6 I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on mankind: 2 God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire, but God does not grant them the ability to enjoy them, and strangers enjoy them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil.

3 A man may have a hundred children and live many years; yet no matter how long he lives, if he cannot enjoy his prosperity and does not receive proper burial, I say that a stillborn child is better off than he. 4 It comes without meaning, it departs in darkness, and in darkness its name is shrouded. 5 Though it never saw the sun or knew anything, it has more rest than does that man— 6 even if he lives a thousand years twice over but fails to enjoy his prosperity. Do not all go to the same place?