Adamaris Camila Nino album (These are the hospital pictures)

Our Story in the hospital with Adamaris Camila in pictures

Our princess Adamaris Camila Nino

We do not choose what happens in this life some times, but we can choose how to deal with it. Our daughter was a special gift that was just to special to live on this earth. I for one will always remember our times together and will greatly remember the stamp she left on my life. See you soon sweet child of God.

The Aftermath Part 3

Aftermath:

How to go on after you have lost your child:

This I definitely have no right answer for. Everyone grieves differently, and it has only been an approximate of 4 weeks. I am really taking this whole thing day by day, even times where it is hour by hour. I have pretty much cried myself to sleep every nighy, never thought that one could cry so much continously. There have been days where I just don't know what to do, almost because life does not make sense right now. I mean I should be waking up to feed my daughter, to only find an empty room with my husband and I. The place where the bassinet should have been is empty. It is a very strange place to be in. There are days that seem cloudy they seem so surreal. Each day is passing by and I don't feel it. The best way I could describe it is I am sitting still and everything around me is moving super fast. Then there are good day's where I have not thought too much about her during the day, and I can enjoy my family. Then the bad days, where I feel angry and betrayed. I mean the smallest of things have set me off. Where I then feel so utterly terrible and guilty.

This was nobody's fault, which makes it difficult because you want to blame someone for it.

Ray and I went to my postpartum Dr. Appointment earlier this week and she was able to give us the results of the lab work. Adamaris was a healthy baby, nothing was wrong with her. What was wrong was the way the umbilical cord was inserted and formed, it was a weak umbilical cord in my lamen terms. She had already been dead for 2 to 3 days before I even came into the hospital to deliver. It is the strangest thing to think that I carried around a dead baby for a few day's and had no idea of it. There was nothing anyone could have done, the cord just snapped in half, cutting off her oxygen, her way of life.

Dr. then says that if we get pregnant again it will be a high risk pregnancy, meaning they will monitor me more and they will induce labor themselves.

It was nice to get some answers. During this time what honestly keeps me going is God. Everyday I ask Him for the strength for not only me but my family as well. That in the midst of all of this, I can still bring praise and honor to Him. That He can show me how to be a good wife after all of this, how to be a good mother, how to move, act, and just love and guide me. It is so easy to want to blame God for this, but I know He did not do it, He let it happen. Why is the question I always want to ask, but I try my best to ask Him for what purpose? Everytime I pray I get this feeling that He is telling me so people will come to know me, so that others can come back to Him. Also to save my daughter from this world, I don't know the future, but thats just it God does and He is probably saving her from something that could have happened to her. Also protecting us from a greater pain that we would not be able to bare. God never gives or lets us go through a battle we will not be able to overcome. See in all this time we are still standing, I could pretty much say, something like this could make people do crazy things. However God is keeping us in His arms. He has shown us mercy and love, my dream or desire is that He could appear to my husband and I at the same time and give us some words that will bring us comfort and understanding of all this situation. He does things in mysterious ways so if He does not want to I underatand. He does things that we will benefit from. He does not want to see us in pain, but He does want to see our faith to Him. I mean that is the rhyme and reason of my existence is to serve Him. He did not just put us here to live life and do whatever we please, even though we do. Yet Jesus is merciful with us. He created us so we could serve Him, praise, and exhualt Him. For us to go bring others the light of His existence. He does not want anyone to get lost.

This wound is going to take time to heal, there is a process to all of this. I don't know how long it will take, let me just say this Holiday season is specially hard for me. However I and my family are going to make it through. There is a song by Marvin Sapp that has helped me a lot it is called my testimony. Strong song for me and I don't even know how many times I have played it, but it has helped.

I want you all to know God is sovereign, just, and faithful, His love is greater than words and He is also preparing us for that great party in Heaven. Please do not take his love and mercy for granted, embrace and seek Him, for there is no greater joy than the one to know you will be saved and have an eternal life. The things of this world will come to an end and what will be left is your soul. All I know is I have one more thing to look forward to when my time has come to an end, to meet our sweet Adamaris Camila Nino
An Ironic thing, which I am pretty sure was not a coincidence the name Camila means the one who is in front of God.
My husband picked that name, and it has come true.

Scripture Passages that have helped me:

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Luke 23:29New International Version (NIV)

29 For the time will come when you will say, ‘Blessed are the childless women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’

Psalm 139:13-16New International Version (NIV)

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

Ecclesiastes 6New International Version (NIV)

6 I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on mankind: 2 God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire, but God does not grant them the ability to enjoy them, and strangers enjoy them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil.

3 A man may have a hundred children and live many years; yet no matter how long he lives, if he cannot enjoy his prosperity and does not receive proper burial, I say that a stillborn child is better off than he. 4 It comes without meaning, it departs in darkness, and in darkness its name is shrouded. 5 Though it never saw the sun or knew anything, it has more rest than does that man— 6 even if he lives a thousand years twice over but fails to enjoy his prosperity. Do not all go to the same place?

Adamaris I will always love and remember you Part 2 The funeral

The funeral...

 First of all, never in my mind did I ever think of having to do a funeral for someone, especially my own daughter. That Friday I remember I started looking through my clothes for a black dress, seriously a horrible feeling. Not a dress for a presentation or anything like that, but for the funeral of my, our daughter. I can't even figure out what to wear, what is the appropriate, in my mind I keep wanting to wear white, but have no idea if that is something that is ok to do. My husband then decides on us going to the store to also find a shirt for Antoni. I end up saying ok, we get to Marshall's the one thing on my mind is "I really hope nobody asks me if I am pregnant." I start looking through the dresses and just start crying there at the store. Having to find a dress for something like this just did not make any sense to me. I turn around to my friend and tell her if we can just leave, I did not want and should have not been there. I needed to be home. On Saturday it was time for the service, just walking in to the funeral home felt so unreal. I could not believe this was happening, no not me. My husband and I walk in and sit down.

(We had previously been there with the family for the viewing. My baby Adamaris in a tiny casket. She looked like a little porcelain doll, my mom bought her the cutest dress. White and with a bonnet sort of hat. I remember touching her while she laid there her cheeks were so cold. I kissed her once again, and this time I got a chance to be with her by myself. I spoke to her and prayed. I told God, that if her death was permitted than I hope His name be glorified through the midst of it all. I know God did not do this, He did let it happen, why? I have no idea except I do know that everything that He does is for a greater purpose and to bring honor and glory to His name. I spoke to her and let her know how much I love her and that one day we will meet.)

While we are sitting on the front bench, family and friends begin to come and give us their condolences. The service begins, there are words from one of our loved pastors, then a song from my sister, then a poem which my mother wrote, after that I am called to speak. I go to the front with my husband, I remember seeing so many people and was just at an awe of how many people came to show us their love and support. At this point we had already been receiving so much prayer and financial support. My husband and I were blown away. Family and friends from town, out of town people that I had never personally met before came out. Adamaris was shown so much love and has been shown so much love by many. I spoke and then there was a short reflection by my father, lastly a song by my husband dedicated to Adamaris. Then came the time for the burial.

One thing that really touched me was my husband when he grabbed the shovel and filled the hole himself.

Later on he tells me that he felt he had to do it. It was the least he could do for her. He said "these were the hands that were going to work to provide for her so it was the least I could do."

 I admire and love my husband so much.

Sometimes if you just sit, be still, listen and observe you really see the Glory of the Lord. Sometimes you see it in the tiniest moments, the smallest things.

Thank you to everyone that came and showed us their support and love that day, and those who continue to show it to us daily. May God bless you all!

Adamaris I will always love and remember you! Part 1

In honor of a sweet and precious angel named Adamaris Camila Niño.

 It was 4 weeks before my due date with Adamaris and I was already starting to get that anxious feeling and excitement. We were starting to get her clothes ready, I was folding and hanging it in the dresser thinking we need another dresser. Her and Antoni were going to share bedrooms for a while since they are both babies. I started looking at the newborn clothes and figuring out her go home outfit, getting out socks, tiny little mittens that can fit a doll, and a blanket or two. I had all three outfits all different sizes, I did not know how big she would be on delivery day.

Three weeks before due date, this was a Wednesday, I go see my wonderful Doctor,  my sister comes with me to help me with Antoni. I go to the back to get checked Dr. listens to the heartbeat all is well normal, she also tells me I am dilated at a 3. Me: Yay, this is great I am so excited! She tells me that I pretty much can have her at any moment. I go back to the waiting room and call Ray and tell him the news, we are both so excited. We come back home and I am just really trying to get everything ready to go, because we still have so much to do. We take out the bassinet, I start cleaning it, take out the new blankets and start washing them. I even found a small shirt that was mine when I was a baby, and took it out for her to wear. Baby bassinet is ready to go!

Sunday November 8th, after Ray and I get back home from church, I tell him: Ray I feel weird, more anxious than usual, something just doesn't seem right. I sit down and tell him, I don't know if I feel her moving. I mean I am having contractions but I don't know. We then just think it is probably nothing. At this point I was getting some sharp contractions. Monday goes by and I am going about my day, just trying to get things ready, Monday night I cant sleep like at all, I keep getting that uneasy feeling, I take a shower while everyone is still sleeping on Tuesday Nov. 10 morning around 4 a.m. I keep getting the contractions but they are not close enough, I tell Ray "I think it is time." He tells me call the doctor, so I call her she asks: Do you feel the baby moving?" My response: "honestly I don't know, I am getting contractions, but I don't think I have felt movement." She then tells me to come in so they can check me out.
We are on our way to the hospital, the whole time driving there I start feeling this awful feeling in my heart and just hoping everything is fine. My mind keeps going back to when I had my miscarriage. However still hoping that I am just being a negative person and that everything is fine. We go to emergency and check in, they take me to the back. They have me put on the wonderful hospital gown, I lay down wait for the nurse to come back, she brings in the equipment to check for the heart beat. She is checking around and around, I feel it coming tears and anguish and a sinking in my stomach. She says "baby I am going to get another nurse to come and check, these things sometimes are tricky." I look at Ray and don't say a word. The other nurse comes in and she tells me. Ok sweetie why don't you turn to the side for me, she is checking turn the other way....nothing, they then call one of the Doctors in, she brings out the ultrasound machine. She starts looking around and I am looking at the screen in hopes that Adamaris is just to far down or something. Finally the Doctor says "Sweetie I am not finding a heart beat" I don't even know what really happened right after except that I cried the hardest and loudest I have ever cried. I looked at Ray as he walked towards me and just remember telling him sorry, I did not want to let go of him.

November 10th was the day I went into labor to deliver my stillborn Adamaris. I went through a normal delivery except with the fact that I was not going to be able to take my baby back home with me. I was not going to ever hear her cry, feed her, give her baths, sing to her or rock her. My son was not going to be able to touch her little hands or her face, like he does with other babies and point and say baby. I wouldn't be able to see my husband taking care of her, or giving her the love I know he feels for her. They gave us the option of seeing her or not after delivery, we decided we did want to see her. They handed her to me, her eyes were open. It was like if I was looking into an empty being, nothing there. Her tiny little nose and mouth. She looked so much like her older brother. I couldn't look at her anymore, I gave her to my husband, all I see are the tears running down his cheeks, all my family is there. (During this whole time we are continuously praying, we are a family that believes in the power of prayer, and that healing comes from our Father.) Everything is just a blur to me. All I know is that I just kept looking straight ahead. I kept fixating on an object, I felt nauseous. I then asked Ray to hand Adamaris to me again. I hugged her as much as I possibly could so I wouldn't crush her, she was so fragile. I kissed her and just talked to her for a little bit. I saw her hands such long fingers, she had a whole lot of hair. She was just the sweetest little angel. Later that day they took her away to let me get some rest. I remember falling asleep finally and then woke up in a shock and in a panic. I was crying uncontrollably, Ray woke up and tried to console me, it hurt so bad the pain of losing my daughter was just not right. It did not make any sense. I should be waking up to feed her, not to realize that I am never going to have her. During that time the nurse came in to check on me, and saw that I was crying. She asked me if I wanted some of the anxiety medicine, and I told her that it was fine. She left , and in the time lapse while she was gone I started drifting back to sleep and had another dream. Everything was blue and it was going in a circular motion, then in that blue, a black image started forming while it was spinning like a wheel, it was the silhouette of Jesus carrying Adamaris, He was smiling and so was she. He hugged her and was spinning with her. They both were very happy, I could almost even hear a slight giggle, nothing big but a tiny little chuckle.
That dream brought me some sort of peace, knowing that my baby girl is in heaven is a good feeling because I know she is safe, happy and receiving all the love she could ever have.

November 11th coming back to an empty home and empty arms. When I got back home that day all of Adamaris things were gone. I know my sisters and mom did everything possible to take it all out, so I would not feel more pain than what I already was feeling. The bassinet was gone, all her little clothes were gone. Everything except I found the one little shirt that used to be mine. I laid the shirt on the table next to my bed, and I just remember trying to get rest. Everyone was coming into town for the funeral we were going to be having on Saturday.  My home was anything but silent, yet I don't really recall any of the conversations or what was going on around me. I can't remember much from that day or the following day, just crying myself to sleep, and waking up to tears.

Part 2: The funeral
Part 3: Aftermath of our loss.

Adamaris Nino 6lbs.1oz. 21 inches 3:30p.m.
November 10, 2015- November 10, 2015
You will always be my lovely little angel. Mommy, daddy and brother will always love you!

My Baby!

My son Antoni will be turning 9 months in a few days and I am kind of stunned by this! I know he is not "1" yet but 9 MONTHS is getting close. I still remember that day in the labor room like it was yesterday, except for the fact that it was not.


June 2,2014

                                                                      
I feel like this time has gone by so fast and it is hard knowing that he is not that little 6lb. 13oz. baby any more. Antoni from the get go was actually never really small to me, I feel like he has grown so fast. When he was 3 months; to me he looked like 5 months. I know he gets it from his fathers side of the family. However this little baby is not so little anymore and it makes me a bit emotional to think about. My husband and I were looking at pictures the other night and just laughing at all the funny faces and how dark he was. HAHAHA we were cracking up. Antoni has seriously been such a gift for the both of us and even though he is giving us a run for our witts he is our sweet gift from God. We have been learning so much with him and at times I feel like the poor kid is the lesson run. An example; At first he slept so well through the night, and then after Thanksgiving last year it has been a battle to get him to sleep the whole night without even waking up once, this has seriously been a ride for us. However I feel like I know how to handle it better now then I used to. I am constantly just seeing the new things he achieves and seeing his strength. My son is pretty strong for his age, at least that is my thought. Let's see some things he has learned to do in the 8 months of life:

• To smile and laugh more often ( I honestly don't think this is something he learned, but none the less he has become way more out going)
• Rolling on my belly
• Kicking my legs and feet
• Army crawl
• Pick up my bottle with one hand
• Roll a ball
• Throw things on the floor that I don't want.
• Grunt
• Yell
• Crawl
• Stand up (then yell and cry because I do not know how to get down, and I am stuck!)
• Stand up in his crib (many of the reasons why we have to lay him like 10 times before he falls asleep)
• Bounce up and down on my crib mattress
• Talk to myself
• Talk with my cousin
• Drink from a straw
• Pick up food with his fingers and put in his mouth.
• Find every single thing on the floor. (where does it go? Straight to his mouth)
• Shake his head "NO"
• Swim in the bath tub
• Sit and look at book
• Follow me every where, not kidding he will not leave my side
• Sing to music (every now and then anyway)
• Bang on cans with our made at home drum sticks
• Bang on the keys of his baby grand piano
• Turn when you call his name
• Knows to get mad when you take something away from him (not like this is something I am going to condone, but the reality of him responding that way makes me know he is developing his social emotional skills)
• He is still working on playing and entertaining himself for a while.(we are working on that one)

My son has really started to go through his different milestones (from loosing hair to growing more back) and it is astounding to see him develop. I love this little boy so much and can't wait to see all the different hurdles he will overcome. When we get alone one on one time, I just love to kiss on him as much as possible, he is not one for cuddling but when I can, you better be for sure that I will. My son is a one of a kind soul and I hope that Ray and I will be able to bring him up to be a God fearing man. My prayer to God is to always give us the wisdom to raise him correctly; that he be a man after God's heart, loving, respectful, mindful, have a sense of humor and be outgoing. To remember others before himself. Antoni is a pride and joy of mine. Every moment that I have with him I know is a blessing, there I times where I have to remind myself that these moments only come once and that I should savor them to the max, even when he is getting into something that I have pulled him away like 15 times.
That is one thing persistence is key to raising a child, that and so much love.

Love my book
Ikea soft book: $4.00
Ikea Shark: $10.00 he loves to wrestle with it.

            

                                                    

See I love to put anything and everything in my mouth, this is how I learn.

From latest to most recent.

Strawberry Chocolate Chip Cake Cookies!

I had been thinking the other day, that I still had not posted any of the recipes of cooked or baked things that I have made. Today while I start baking I remember "o yea, my blog". So I grab my phone and start taking pictures, (please excuse the pictures for the lighting in my kitchen is not the best)either way I had made these already with yellow cake. I was thinking hmmm a chocolate covered strawberry, that would probably be awesome as a cookie. To the kitchen I go and experiment this is what you will need:

1. Duncan Hines Strawberry cake mix
2. 1 tspn. Baking powder
3. 2 large eggs
4. 1/3 cup oil
5. 1/2 tspn. Vanilla extract
6. 1 and 1/4 cup semi sweet chocolate chips
7. 2 separate bowls (1 larger than the other)

Steps:

1. Preheat oven to 350°
2. Get a cookie sheet either lined with parchment paper, or a nonstick cookie sheet pan.
3. In your larger bowl mix the cake mix with the baking powder. Set that to the side.
4. In your smaller bowl whisk together your eggs, oil, and vanilla. Mix until well combined.
5. Now grab your egg mix and pour into your dry cake mix, make sure to combine well until you get an almost shiny doughy mix.
6. Now fold in your chocolate chips, to incorporate them really well I did it by 1/4 cups at a time.
7. After you have it all mixed for smaller cookies take 1Tbspn fulls and put on cookie sheet. For larger cookies do 2TBSPN full.
8. Now let them bake for about 10 min. After you take them out,let them stand on the baking sheet for 3min. then transfer onto a cooling rack!

Mix before adding in the chocolate chip cookies
 

                                                       

The larger cookie was with 2tbsn of mix, the smaller was with 1tbspn of mix!
 

Last Step:
Grab a cookie and a glass of milk or coffee, sit down and enjoy!
I am not going to lie, they are pretty good not totally like a chocolate covered strawberry but good never the less.

Heavy Heart/ Wonderful Husband

Today I have had a heavy heart, I have been getting back into the arts after being gone for like 2 years. This has seriously been very difficult for me in the sense that I almost feel at a loss. I had entered a juried art festival in Chicago in the sense of "if I take a risk then maybe, just maybe." I knew in the back of my mind that is was a long shot considering that this was an open call to everyone in the U.S. and who knows how many people entered. Either way today I got the email that I did not get in. In all honesty I took it hard, I know that as in artist there is a whole lot of rejection before acceptation. Well some artists have the gifts of making it more quickly then others. Either way this road has been affecting me lately in a huge way. I have tried different things and just do not see any improvement, I do not know if it is something that I am doing wrong. Questions I constantly ask myself are:
1) Is this really my calling?
2) Where do I need to go?
3) Who do I need to contact?
4) When will my time come?
5) Will I sell any work?
6) What is the next painting that I need to work on?
7) What can I do to expand to more viewers?
8) What galleries, or shows should I apply to?

So as I am feeding my son his squash and my husband is building a shelving unit outside in the freezing cold (We were going through an ICE STORM), and see the email that I did not get in to the festival I truly became upset. My husband comes in from outside and sees me and asks "what's wrong" I let him know "I did not get accepted" "Accepted for what?" he asked. I then respond the art show. He then comes sits next to me and starts to console me with his words. After I start numerating all the negatives, he then says "babe you are only looking at the negative, you have accomplished many things." He starts to remind me of the different shows I have been a part of, the publication that I had and some of the purchased art works. Little by little I start to feel better, still some what upset. I finish feeding my son and just think about those opportunities that I have had. We then go into our extra bedroom and my husband built me this unit for all of my paints and supplies, he blew me away with everything he did, considering the weather. I mean he even made me a bench and a few more things to be able to organize all of my stuff.
It was great and my studio space is starting to really come together, the space is more practical then it was before, if feels great!
Later on today I get a phone call from a really great friend, we started talking. I knew she had been going through some things lately and just wanted to know how she was doing. She let's me know what is going on, and I immediately felt bad for becoming so upset about the fact that I did not get in the show. After listening to her and what is going on, I felt as though what I am going through is not as bad as it could really be. After getting off the phone I just kept thinking of this sweet girl and how I hope things get better for her real soon. Probably an hour passes and I get on facebook, I then see some of the people that are artists as well and begin to get the feeling of disappointment again. I see that they are getting their work out there and that they are selling and getting into showings. I truly am happy for them, and I hope they reach all the success that they can, because I know they have worked hard for it. However I feel upset because I want to see improvement from my end.
Now that the day is winding down and we put our son down to go to sleep, I sit down with some coffee and truly start analyzing the situation and just think.
I am blessed, I have a husband who loves me that will build things for me no matter how cold and wet it may be outside. I have a son that needs me and loves me and never ceases to make me smile. I have health, and aspirations to make it big one day in the art world. No matter how many times I may fall and fail (which I know will be many), I must get back up and keep trying. My husband says he has faith in me, and will keep supporting me. My family has been very supporting of my arts, they seriously have gone to almost all of my shows and have let people know about me. I know that this discouragement that I felt today will be gone with in a few weeks. Also after talking with my friend it truly just reminded me that everything happens according to the will of God. I know there is a reason for me not making it into this festival, what the reason is I do not know right now, but I do know that I have a mighty God who sees further than I will ever be able to. Who knows maybe by the time the deadline came to pay for the booth fee which was over $300.00 we wouldn't have the money. Maybe the fact that the festival landed on the weekend of my first born 1st birthday. What ever the reason may be, I know that if it did not happen is for something and that when one door closes another one opens. One of the things for me or that I have always believed is that one should work in what they love, and I just want to work in what I love and be able to help in supporting my family financially. I do have a part time job teaching Spanish so I do not just sit and not help out, however my dream is to just be able to paint. I know right now that this is a battle God wants me to go through, because He truly wants me to depend on Him. It is also crazy because for the past few weeks God has been ministering to me through bible studies and preaching's about this situation. Every study and preaching that I have heard lately has been about this very thing, how to glorify God through our talents, and not let other people bring us down, and to not give up easily. We must keep fighting for it and putting it in the hands of the Lord. So I know me going through this is just a molding situation, I am being molded to a better me. The way a clay master molds their pieces to the utmost best.
I am not going to surrender and give up because of this, I will keep pushing forward till I get to where I must get. When that day comes I know I will be able to look back and be happy and conformed with everything that I went through. All of the situations we face is for a purpose and that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. This being said, I am out and best wishes to all of you who are working hard to make a living and helping those around you.

Studio Space is coming together, it is a very good feeling. The fact that I have more ample space to work in.

The shelving unit my husband made for me, he also made a stool for me to sit on.
He pretty much Rocks and is the best!